I observed him carefully as he walked to the door. I knew that time was running out but suppressed the urge to check my watch. I took a deep breath and started counting in reverse under my breath. "Ten, nine, eight, seven..." I was getting more nervous with every second. I needed to calm down. Before I could finish my counts, he roared on me, “U lie down on the bed and don't move. I'm gonna kill you...” He had closed the door and climbed the bed. I lay there motionless with my eyes closed. He pounced on me with a huge thundering laugh. He landed on me and pushed me down further inside the bed, my eyes shut tight. I finally opened them and tackled him. He was on the bed now and I was on top of him. I looked at him. We made eye contact...
...And we started laughing. A long whole hearted laugh! This was my son's favourite game. As tiring as it was for my frail body... Standing up every time, falling on the bed, having him kill me with his imaginary sword, then waking up and shouting and tackling him down to the floor... I didn't mind playing it a few times every day. I had mastered the art of tackling him, it was literally like they show in the movies, where the hero swept the villain “off his feat” and floored him. My Siddharth loved it. We both had a twinkle in our eyes. His was due of the excessive laughing. Mine? Not so much. But this game made me forget it all, at least for a while... The bills to be paid, his threatening phone calls for joint custody, the excruciating job search and the constant worry ridden look in my mom's eyes. This job was going to resolve it all. I was confident I would get it. After all, I had agreed to pay a hefty sum to support the start-up’s initial investment. It has taken a lot of trouble to collect it, lot of taunts from lot of relatives. But I had managed it and that’s all that mattered at the moment. Once I started receiving a steady salary, I would finally be able to come out of this black-hole.
“One more time mumma... This is last last laaaast time. Promise!” I took a quick glance at my watch and he frowned. I would miss the train if I waited another minute. But I couldn’t refuse him. “Laaaaast last time... ok?”. He nodded excitedly and proceeded to kill me yet again!
----
I clutched my purse more tightly than ever, as I took the road to the railway station. It had five lakh rupees in cash, to be deposited in their bank account. Who knew FIVE LAKHS would be so small in size and weight. I hope he isn’t a fraud, a wave of doubt passed through my brain. Oh c’mon, they were all engineers fresh out of college, trying to setup their own business, with him as their leader. And he had given me an opportunity to be a part of it! He had promised me equity in the firm. Who would do that?! And the fantastic presentation he had shown me on his shiny phone. But then, why did he specifically ask for cash? He said it was because he had to make some payments immediately. That made sense. Their business idea sounded so promising. “He” sounded so charismatic and committed to his work. And every time he looked straight into my eyes... “Join me Sheetal!” He had said with a cute wink the last time we met, extending his hand for a handshake, but holding my hand ever so lightly, just short of kissing it. I was sure that my money and my career were safe in his hands. Well.... almost sure.
My fearful heavy heart slowed my pace down. I rubbished my thoughts and started walking faster than usual. I had to make up for the time I spent in playing with Siddharth, else I would have missed my train. I reached the gully now. There was this stretch of road which cut my walk from 10mins to 2. Just that it was very lonely. They said it was frequented by drug addicts by night. I was used to taking this one daily. “Should have I taken the longer road today? I was carrying loads of money. Im such a fool”, I thought to myself. But I carried on anyway. I couldn’t afford to lose another minute. As I was hurrying on the lonely lane, I heard equally fast footsteps following me. I started walking faster; it seemed that person did too. I almost ran and joined the hustle bustle of the main road. I dared to turn around now, only to realize it was just another man hurrying his way to catch his train. He didn’t even notice me. I breathed a sigh of relief, half-laughing at myself.
----
He looked as charming as ever. How did he manage to look so impeccable all the time? Nobody was present in the office that day. He had asked all of them to go away, because we were to discuss something important. His words sent a shiver down my spine. Just being there alone with him had my blood rising into my cheeks. I could feel it. I still didn’t understand why he changed the venue of our meet at the last minute. We were to meet at the bank to deposit the money there. What was it he wanted to discuss which could not have been done there? He offered me a seat oh so elegantly. So this is how it felt like, being with a chivalrous man. I sat down erect and automatically crossed my legs. I could sense a certain grace in my posture too. Of course he was professional all the time; not once had he suggested anything other than work. But his choice of words always had me take another meaning. It was so long since I had been with anyone. I licked my lips nervously, hoping he didn’t notice how much he affected me. “C’mon Sheetal, concentrate! You have a bag full of cash in your hand!” I told myself. I remembered my walk on the lonely lane, it felt so safe here with him. I met this guy just 2 weeks back, but I felt like I knew him inside out. He had awoken the real Sheetal in me. Like I was sleep-walking through life and he woke me up. Nothing could go wrong as long as he was around! "Ten, nine, eight, seven..." I restarted my counting hoping to hold myself together.
“Sheetal...”, he started talking, fidgeting with a file. “Have you got all the money that I asked?” I nodded. “I wanted to tell you something before you make this investment.” I listened earnestly. He suddenly threw the file at my face. I looked back at him in shock. “You dirty piece of shit... you aren’t worth a dime! You are just a desperate little cougar, waiting to get in my pants. You know what, I won’t give you a second look even if you were standing there naked with a million dollars in your hand.” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I stared at him with my mouth open. “I am not going to give you any equity. You know why?? Cos I don’t have any! Cos this company does not exist! There is no company, there is no business. I can’t believe how easy it was to fool you. How easy it was to convince you of everything. I didn’t even have to try. You are such a gullible brainless little slut!” He laughed out loud. I felt horror spread over my face. “Now, you will leave this money here like a good girl and leave. Don’t bother going to the police, I would be long gone before they can help you.” He snapped. I was too shocked to say anything at all. Was this really happening? Was this a nightmare? Mom had tried to warn me against him. Why didn’t I listen to her? Oh God!!!!!
He tried to snatch the purse from me. I didn’t let go. I stood up and ran to the door. But he held me. My frail frame was nothing compared to his tall, well built, muscular body. There was no way I could have fought him. He held me against the wall and threw a hard slap across my face. I somehow managed to hold the purse behind me. He started hitting me left right and centre. But I did not let go of my purse... I turned towards the wall and clutched it tight against my chest. That purse contained my life. He was blowing punch after punch after punch.. Some on my head, my face, my ribs, back... I fell down and he started kicking me. The kicks landed at every possible place... My stomach, my legs, my groin. The thrashing continued for ages and I closed my eyes tight. I could feel every part of my body crying out in pain. I felt blood draining from my body. It felt dizzy, like I was losing consciousness. I just waited there now; to die. Is this how my life was going to end; at the hands of a cruel monster? What did I achieve in my life? I was such a loser. I’m dying and I havn’t even got my true love yet, cudn’t build anything for my son, cudn’t make my mother proud. The thought was unbearable. It was more painful than the blows being showered on me.
And suddenly, something inside me... just broke. It was me... It was my being... It was me that broke. I couldn’t hear anything. I could just see a sharp white light. Was it the ceiling? Does it feel like this when people die? I was in a trance. Death didn’t scare me somehow. I could feel my breath; hear my own blood gushing through my veins like a tsunami. “Mumma!”, I heard someone call out to me. I could see my Siddu in front of my eyes now. But instead of worrying for him, I felt a certain peace inside me; a certain “certainty”. I “knew” that everything was going to be ok. I saw my Siddu hugging me with his little hands all around my neck like a precious necklace. I gave him a quick peck on his precious little red lips as he looked at me with his naughty eyes wide open. I saw him asking me to play with him again. I saw myself falling down for him. I saw him roaring over me and hitting me. I could feel his breath over me, as he killed me by his sword. And then, I tackled him, as usual.
I was suddenly standing now. It was so confusing. I didn’t remember standing up. But there I was. My baby had vanished. I opened my eyes as wide as I could. I could see everything clearly. I could see the furniture in the office, the lights, the table, chairs. The papers were all scattered and this filthy creature of a man was lying down there. It seemed that I had done the exact same tackling move that I did with Siddu. Only, it was on this guy this time. And as he fell down, his head must have hit the edge of the table. I could see little trail of blood trickling down from his head. He was crying in pain. I was filled with angst and abhorrence. I wanted to kick him hard; just like he was kicking me not long ago. I charged towards him, but stopped... He groaned again and tried to stand up. The game wasn’t over yet. I had to leave from there asap. I hurried out of the office. I ran to the lift and stopped. I turned back and locked the door of the office from outside. I took the stairs and ran down. My frail body didn’t feel frail anymore. I was moving at the speed of light. I raced outside and didn’t stop till I reached the open ground. Some people stopped to look at me and hurried away, some gave me dirty glances. I must have been looking like hell. But, wait... Another wave of fear passed over me.
Where...
Was...
My...
Purse...?
I looked around bewildered. I found that my left hand was holding it by its belt. I never did let go of the purse... I never did let go of my life. I wanted to live. I wasn’t ready to die. My life wasn’t over. I had miles to go... I held my purse against my chest yet again and tears started flooding my cheeks. I wanted to scream out loud to the world. I won’t let go... I won’t die... I will live. This is MY life and I claim it back!
I was breathless. I was just standing there, crying up at the sky. The sun was setting, creating myriads of colours up there. I could see them even more clearly because of my tears. My tears were washing my vision. Towards the world, towards my life, towards myself. I felt so alive, not just living... Alive! There was so much life in that moment. The crisp air was cooling me down, it was brushing against my cheeks softly. It reminded me of my mom caressing my cheeks when I was a little kid. It reminded me of all the dreams she had for me. I cannot let her down; I will not let her down. For her, for myself and for my baby; I will live and I will thrive. Life is a miracle in itself. The future holds infinite possibilities.
What seems impossible today, might happen tomorrow.
It’s never the end.
Never...
As long as I am...
Alive!
...And we started laughing. A long whole hearted laugh! This was my son's favourite game. As tiring as it was for my frail body... Standing up every time, falling on the bed, having him kill me with his imaginary sword, then waking up and shouting and tackling him down to the floor... I didn't mind playing it a few times every day. I had mastered the art of tackling him, it was literally like they show in the movies, where the hero swept the villain “off his feat” and floored him. My Siddharth loved it. We both had a twinkle in our eyes. His was due of the excessive laughing. Mine? Not so much. But this game made me forget it all, at least for a while... The bills to be paid, his threatening phone calls for joint custody, the excruciating job search and the constant worry ridden look in my mom's eyes. This job was going to resolve it all. I was confident I would get it. After all, I had agreed to pay a hefty sum to support the start-up’s initial investment. It has taken a lot of trouble to collect it, lot of taunts from lot of relatives. But I had managed it and that’s all that mattered at the moment. Once I started receiving a steady salary, I would finally be able to come out of this black-hole.
“One more time mumma... This is last last laaaast time. Promise!” I took a quick glance at my watch and he frowned. I would miss the train if I waited another minute. But I couldn’t refuse him. “Laaaaast last time... ok?”. He nodded excitedly and proceeded to kill me yet again!
----
I clutched my purse more tightly than ever, as I took the road to the railway station. It had five lakh rupees in cash, to be deposited in their bank account. Who knew FIVE LAKHS would be so small in size and weight. I hope he isn’t a fraud, a wave of doubt passed through my brain. Oh c’mon, they were all engineers fresh out of college, trying to setup their own business, with him as their leader. And he had given me an opportunity to be a part of it! He had promised me equity in the firm. Who would do that?! And the fantastic presentation he had shown me on his shiny phone. But then, why did he specifically ask for cash? He said it was because he had to make some payments immediately. That made sense. Their business idea sounded so promising. “He” sounded so charismatic and committed to his work. And every time he looked straight into my eyes... “Join me Sheetal!” He had said with a cute wink the last time we met, extending his hand for a handshake, but holding my hand ever so lightly, just short of kissing it. I was sure that my money and my career were safe in his hands. Well.... almost sure.
My fearful heavy heart slowed my pace down. I rubbished my thoughts and started walking faster than usual. I had to make up for the time I spent in playing with Siddharth, else I would have missed my train. I reached the gully now. There was this stretch of road which cut my walk from 10mins to 2. Just that it was very lonely. They said it was frequented by drug addicts by night. I was used to taking this one daily. “Should have I taken the longer road today? I was carrying loads of money. Im such a fool”, I thought to myself. But I carried on anyway. I couldn’t afford to lose another minute. As I was hurrying on the lonely lane, I heard equally fast footsteps following me. I started walking faster; it seemed that person did too. I almost ran and joined the hustle bustle of the main road. I dared to turn around now, only to realize it was just another man hurrying his way to catch his train. He didn’t even notice me. I breathed a sigh of relief, half-laughing at myself.
----
He looked as charming as ever. How did he manage to look so impeccable all the time? Nobody was present in the office that day. He had asked all of them to go away, because we were to discuss something important. His words sent a shiver down my spine. Just being there alone with him had my blood rising into my cheeks. I could feel it. I still didn’t understand why he changed the venue of our meet at the last minute. We were to meet at the bank to deposit the money there. What was it he wanted to discuss which could not have been done there? He offered me a seat oh so elegantly. So this is how it felt like, being with a chivalrous man. I sat down erect and automatically crossed my legs. I could sense a certain grace in my posture too. Of course he was professional all the time; not once had he suggested anything other than work. But his choice of words always had me take another meaning. It was so long since I had been with anyone. I licked my lips nervously, hoping he didn’t notice how much he affected me. “C’mon Sheetal, concentrate! You have a bag full of cash in your hand!” I told myself. I remembered my walk on the lonely lane, it felt so safe here with him. I met this guy just 2 weeks back, but I felt like I knew him inside out. He had awoken the real Sheetal in me. Like I was sleep-walking through life and he woke me up. Nothing could go wrong as long as he was around! "Ten, nine, eight, seven..." I restarted my counting hoping to hold myself together.
“Sheetal...”, he started talking, fidgeting with a file. “Have you got all the money that I asked?” I nodded. “I wanted to tell you something before you make this investment.” I listened earnestly. He suddenly threw the file at my face. I looked back at him in shock. “You dirty piece of shit... you aren’t worth a dime! You are just a desperate little cougar, waiting to get in my pants. You know what, I won’t give you a second look even if you were standing there naked with a million dollars in your hand.” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I stared at him with my mouth open. “I am not going to give you any equity. You know why?? Cos I don’t have any! Cos this company does not exist! There is no company, there is no business. I can’t believe how easy it was to fool you. How easy it was to convince you of everything. I didn’t even have to try. You are such a gullible brainless little slut!” He laughed out loud. I felt horror spread over my face. “Now, you will leave this money here like a good girl and leave. Don’t bother going to the police, I would be long gone before they can help you.” He snapped. I was too shocked to say anything at all. Was this really happening? Was this a nightmare? Mom had tried to warn me against him. Why didn’t I listen to her? Oh God!!!!!
He tried to snatch the purse from me. I didn’t let go. I stood up and ran to the door. But he held me. My frail frame was nothing compared to his tall, well built, muscular body. There was no way I could have fought him. He held me against the wall and threw a hard slap across my face. I somehow managed to hold the purse behind me. He started hitting me left right and centre. But I did not let go of my purse... I turned towards the wall and clutched it tight against my chest. That purse contained my life. He was blowing punch after punch after punch.. Some on my head, my face, my ribs, back... I fell down and he started kicking me. The kicks landed at every possible place... My stomach, my legs, my groin. The thrashing continued for ages and I closed my eyes tight. I could feel every part of my body crying out in pain. I felt blood draining from my body. It felt dizzy, like I was losing consciousness. I just waited there now; to die. Is this how my life was going to end; at the hands of a cruel monster? What did I achieve in my life? I was such a loser. I’m dying and I havn’t even got my true love yet, cudn’t build anything for my son, cudn’t make my mother proud. The thought was unbearable. It was more painful than the blows being showered on me.
And suddenly, something inside me... just broke. It was me... It was my being... It was me that broke. I couldn’t hear anything. I could just see a sharp white light. Was it the ceiling? Does it feel like this when people die? I was in a trance. Death didn’t scare me somehow. I could feel my breath; hear my own blood gushing through my veins like a tsunami. “Mumma!”, I heard someone call out to me. I could see my Siddu in front of my eyes now. But instead of worrying for him, I felt a certain peace inside me; a certain “certainty”. I “knew” that everything was going to be ok. I saw my Siddu hugging me with his little hands all around my neck like a precious necklace. I gave him a quick peck on his precious little red lips as he looked at me with his naughty eyes wide open. I saw him asking me to play with him again. I saw myself falling down for him. I saw him roaring over me and hitting me. I could feel his breath over me, as he killed me by his sword. And then, I tackled him, as usual.
I was suddenly standing now. It was so confusing. I didn’t remember standing up. But there I was. My baby had vanished. I opened my eyes as wide as I could. I could see everything clearly. I could see the furniture in the office, the lights, the table, chairs. The papers were all scattered and this filthy creature of a man was lying down there. It seemed that I had done the exact same tackling move that I did with Siddu. Only, it was on this guy this time. And as he fell down, his head must have hit the edge of the table. I could see little trail of blood trickling down from his head. He was crying in pain. I was filled with angst and abhorrence. I wanted to kick him hard; just like he was kicking me not long ago. I charged towards him, but stopped... He groaned again and tried to stand up. The game wasn’t over yet. I had to leave from there asap. I hurried out of the office. I ran to the lift and stopped. I turned back and locked the door of the office from outside. I took the stairs and ran down. My frail body didn’t feel frail anymore. I was moving at the speed of light. I raced outside and didn’t stop till I reached the open ground. Some people stopped to look at me and hurried away, some gave me dirty glances. I must have been looking like hell. But, wait... Another wave of fear passed over me.
Where...
Was...
My...
Purse...?
I looked around bewildered. I found that my left hand was holding it by its belt. I never did let go of the purse... I never did let go of my life. I wanted to live. I wasn’t ready to die. My life wasn’t over. I had miles to go... I held my purse against my chest yet again and tears started flooding my cheeks. I wanted to scream out loud to the world. I won’t let go... I won’t die... I will live. This is MY life and I claim it back!
I was breathless. I was just standing there, crying up at the sky. The sun was setting, creating myriads of colours up there. I could see them even more clearly because of my tears. My tears were washing my vision. Towards the world, towards my life, towards myself. I felt so alive, not just living... Alive! There was so much life in that moment. The crisp air was cooling me down, it was brushing against my cheeks softly. It reminded me of my mom caressing my cheeks when I was a little kid. It reminded me of all the dreams she had for me. I cannot let her down; I will not let her down. For her, for myself and for my baby; I will live and I will thrive. Life is a miracle in itself. The future holds infinite possibilities.
What seems impossible today, might happen tomorrow.
It’s never the end.
Never...
As long as I am...
Alive!